Here at Pearls For Swine, we care about the three things that start with “M” that most affect your life – mullets, mercenaries, and marriage. Conflict resolution is an important topic in all three areas, but articles about marriage get more shares.
When it comes to conflict in marriage, everyone seems to be a guru these days. But how many of those Twitter posts from your buddy who has been married for 3 months actually helped? That’s why we came up with seven surefire ways to resolve conflict in your marriage.
1. Just Duke It Out
A good MMA-style match of fisticuffs is sure to put an end to arguing. Don’t feel the need to hold back either. The weaker one can feel free to tap out at any time.
2. Constantly Bring Up The Past
Download a voice recording app on your phone and record every conversation you have. When you need ammunition, just whip out your phone and remind your spouse what they said a week ago. Experts say reminding someone of the past is the best way to change the future, or something like that.
3. Revert To Childish Behaviors
Saying things like, “I am rubber, you are glue” or “I know you are, but what am I?” are guaranteed to bring about results. When your partner realizes they cannot argue their way out, they will go home crying to their mama. Also try “I’m not touching you.”
4. Offer The Silent Treatment
If being overtly childish doesn’t work, try a more subtle, mature approach: just don’t talk to them. Downright ignore them. Make them feel like they don’t matter.
5. Embrace Freudian Slips
Just go ahead and say whatever comes to your mind. Filters are for wimps. When you think to yourself, “Mom was right. I never should have married you,” let it flow from your mouth like so much vomit.
6. Become Cold And Distant
When it becomes clear you will never get your way, just let your soul drift away. Your problems will probably just solve themselves anyway. A watched pot never boils, so just cut yourself off from what could be the best part of your life.
7. Resort To Blackmail
If all else fails, dig up some dirt on your spouse, unless you are married to a Clinton. Hold it over their head until they give in. This is the only loving thing left to do.
We hope you found this list helpful. Remember: Love is a fight, not something worth fighting for, or whatever.
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