Grand Rapids, MI - Bible publisher Zondervan has just announced work on a new version of the Bible. The Speaker Pelosi Version, or SPV, will exclude all phrases in the Bible that have a negative connotation.
Inspiration came when the Speaker of the House used positive verses calling out President Trump’s touting of a Bible for a photo op. She masterfully quoted only the positive portions of Ecclesiastes 3:3 (a time to heal) and 3:8 (a time of peace), while omitting their negative counterparts (“a time to kill” and “a time of war”).
Zondervan CEO, Mark Schoenwald, jumped at the opportunity to create the first positive Bible. “No one likes all that ‘Thou shalt not’ stuff. Everyone on Twitter agrees, we need less negativity in our world. So we are happy to announce the creation of the SPV!”
Along with all the negatives found in Ecclesiastes 3, many other jots and tittles will pass away from the original text. The Ten Commandments will now be stated positively and referred to as the Ten Suggestions. The Books of Job, Lamentations, and Hosea, Jonah chapter four and Matthew chapter twenty three are all slated to disappear entirely.
In addition, many inspirational quotes will be included. Notably, Pelosi requested that her missing verse from “someplace in Isaiah” be included - “To minister to the needs of God’s creation is an act of worship. To ignore those needs is to dishonor the God who made us.”
Also be on the lookout for The Uncle Joe Version, which is just a bunch of jumbled words ending in “you know, the thing.”
Comments