Bentonville, AR - Walmart has officially gone woke! The commercial giant has created a new initiative in which all retail locations will be required to provide reserved parking spaces for any and all special interest groups.
We have all seen the reserved parking spaces for expecting mothers, mothers of infants, the elderly and/or disabled, and most recently, law enforcement. These spaces have sparked the envy of us all. If only everyone had a special parking spot. Well now you do.
Local Walmart manager, Bill Yader, commented, “Gone are the days of circling around for five minutes looking for that perfect space between the lines. Now you can just roll up to your assigned parking space after only like an hour of looking for it, provided you are as unique as you believe and there is no one else in that spot.”
“We will do away with some of our handicap spots to make room for people who identify as handicapped,” explained project manager Yolanda Fries. “There will be spaces for military, ex-military, and people who identify as military. Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Original Trilogy, and Sequel Trilogy fans will, of course, be separated. Think snakes make good pets? You get your own space. Don’t like clowns? We have spaces for you, too.”
Local Bronie (unexpected adult male fan of “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic”), Micah James, was elated. “I can’t believe they thought of us. We usually get marginalized in society. This is the age of the Brony!” he declared as he bro-hoofed (fist bumped) his fellow Bronies.
“Nobody will be left out,” Fries concluded. “Do you and your friends disagree about the ranking of Harry Potter books? That’s ok. You will each have your own parking spaces. This is how we build a better world. Because when everyone is special, no one will be.”
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