Dreading the painfully awkward and possibly politically charged “small talk” at the Thanksgiving table this year? So are we. But don’t worry, we’ve got some pearls for you to throw to your swin-uh…guests that are guaranteed to be real non-starters!
Pretend to be Deaf - Start things off with an written announcement that you have spontaneously lost your hearing. Is it a lie? Maybe. But do you know that you haven’t recently gone deaf and are just in denial? You don’t. You might have to learn sign language, but it’s a small price to pay, and hey, you’ll know sign language. Win-win.
Brag About Your Hair Collection - Don’t have an actual hair collection? Good. No one has to know that, though. You might get a sit-down talk from the matriarch or patriarch, but everyone else will stay away from you and be super-paranoid about their hair all day, so that could be entertaining for you.
Share Conspiracy Theories - Don’t get into that boring QAnon stuff. That’s child’s play. Go for the gut with the really weird stuff like “birds aren’t real” or “the moon is flat”. You have to be willing to double down, though, so get ready for everyone to talk about you behind your back.
Speak in Riddles - This one requires some prep work, but you can do it. Your riddles don’t even have to make sense. In fact, the weirder, the better. As long as you confuse people, you won’t have to worry about talking to them. Small caveat: the occasional uncle may try to answer you. Just tell him he is correct and go on.
Become Vegan - You can completely circumvent the whole thing by giving up good food. This may seem extreme, but you have to ask yourself what you value more - comfort food or peace? There is no compromise.
Get Stinky - Go to the gym and don’t bathe. Wear the same clothes for days. Forgo brushing your teeth. Eat nothing but beans and cabbage in preparation. Smell as badly as you can. Let your scent do the work for you.
Dress to Perplex - Blue MAGA hat? Check. Rainbow Chick-Fil-A logo t-shirt? Got it. Cross necklace with “coexist” emblazon? Oh yeah. Nikes with a thin blue line? You better believe it. Send mixed signals in order to get a mixed reception.