U.S. - Coffee tables are effectively banned in the United States as too many people’s toes have been violently attacked by them in recent months.
With the rise of at-home workers came the rise of domestic violence in the way of furniture attacks. Reports of increased violence started in March of 2020 and have steadily risen. The gradual increase of casual attire is thought to be at least partially to blame.
Domestic terrorism analyst Roger Modine stated that there was evidence that “people went from casual Fridays to casual everydays and eventually just stayed in pajamas. The real problem is that at-home workers stopped wearing shoes or even bunny slippers. This left their feet exposed and vulnerable.”
Recent victim, Melanie Renosa, of Lubbock, Texas, shared her story with us. “I was in a Zoom meeting for my office, minding my own business. I got up to refill my Cheetos. I began to walk across the living room when, out of nowhere, my coffee table hit my pinky toe. I fell to the floor in pain and said things that caused me to lose my job. I am now unemployed and afraid to set foot in my living room.”
The solution presented by Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas was to ban the future production of coffee tables. Approximately 10,000 Americans are expected to lose their jobs, but whatever. When asked about rumors regarding the possible confiscation of coffee tables, he commented, “we have no immediate plan for door-to-door seizure, but if individual citizens do not take initiative, we might eventually have to consider that.”
Unclear in the debate, however, is the fate of dangerous children’s toys, such as Legos. The pile of bodies rolling on the floor in pain surrounding Lego-related accidents is astounding. One thing, however, is certain - we cannot afford to place aesthetics, pleasure, or even functionality over arbitrary safety.